PHILADELPHIA (RPT) - Decision-making researchers are finding themselves unable to make a decision about whether they should or should not attend an upcoming conference on “Decision Making Under Uncertainty” in light of uncertainty about the safety of travel during the COVID19 pandemic. “I know I study judgement and decision making,” one researcher told RPT, “but I have a lot of trouble applying this knowledge to actually making decisions in my real life, like whether or not I should go to this conference.”
“I’m waiting to see what everyone else is going to do,” the conference organizer said after an RPT correspondent asked whether the conference might be cancelled, “I’m not going to make any important decisions about whether to hold this meeting or not until I see what all the attendees decide.”
RPT contacted Florida Man for comment on the situation. “Fuckin’ indecisive dumbasses,” Flordia Man told RPT while practicing karate on swans in a local park and drinking a Capri Sun, “make a goddamn decision and then fuckin’ do something.” He went on to offer recommendations for the dazed researchers and conference organizers, “Don’t just sit there waiting for someone else to tell you what to do. Lord knows I don’t wait for nobody to tell me what to do. After I finish setting my friend’s Honda on fire, I’m gonna go steal some bees from my neighbor and then hunker down and do my business from home until this shit-storm blows over.” When asked why he would set fire to his friend’s car, Florida Man replied, “I can’t drive stick.”
