LOS ANGELES (RPT) - As universities around the country use an abundance of caution in their strategies for dealing with the growing COVID19 pandemic, they are leaving businesses and members of the general public facing a severe shortage of caution. “They’re hoarding all the caution for themselves,” an angry passerby sputtered while sticking somebody else’s finger in her own eye, “now there’s none left for the rest of us.”
Businesses are facing unique challenges in light of the COVID19 pandemic. One small business owner told RPT, “I would really like to use more caution in how we are dealing with COVID19, but the schools have used such an abundance of it that none of us can find any reservoirs of caution left anywhere.” She went on to say that her workplace management strategy for COVID19 involves “washing silverware by sneezing on it,” “using those cloth handkerchiefs that you can wash but not washing them,” and “huffing paint thinner to coat the lungs in a protective film.”
University administrators are defending their decision to use an abundance of caution. “We need it more than anybody else does,” a Vice Provost at large west coast university told RPT. “Have you seen how disgusting those little monsters are? And they’ve been really quiet the last few days. I bet you they’ve been plotting something wicked,” he said as his eyes shifted from side to side in a paranoid fashion. He then added “where the fuck is my multitool, did you take my multitool?” The RPT correspondent reporting this story was subsequently given a full-body search and placed in quarantine for “being a little fucker.”
